Billionaire Designs Windowless Mega-Dorm For California University

Billionaire Charlie Munger has given $200 million to the University of California at Santa Barbara on the condition they build a mostly windowless 11-story dorm he designed, despite criticism over the unknown psychological effects it could have on students. What do you think? “It would make me even more excited about post-grad life if I … Read more

Democrats Spooked By Loss In Virginia Vow To Work Twice As Hard To Muddle Their Agenda

WASHINGTON—Unsettled by the party’s dismal performance in the Virginia governor’s race, Democratic leadership vowed Wednesday to work twice as hard in the coming months to muddle their agenda. “Last night was a wake-up call that we need to refocus our efforts on alienating the American voter with vague goals and incomprehensible messaging,” said Senate Majority … Read more

Biden Social Spending Bill Whittled Down To $10 Billion Check To Joe Manchin

WASHINGTON—At last striking a compromise that unites all 50 Democrats in the Senate, the White House announced Wednesday that it had enough votes to pass a streamlined version of President Joe Biden’s social spending bill that had been stripped of every provision except for a $10 billion check for Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV). “While we … Read more

The Most Tragic Film Set Accidents

The recent death of a cinematographer on the set of the film Rust has shown a spotlight on tragic deaths on film sets, as well as given rise to safety concerns surrounding props and stunts. The Onion looks back at other tragic film set tragedies. Armageddon: Over 250,000 people were killed when producers accidentally detonated … Read more

Kyle Rittenhouse Claims Self-Defense After Shooting 3 Jurors

KENOSHA, WI—Arguing that he had no choice but to take the law into his own hands, Kyle Rittenhouse reportedly claimed self-defense Wednesday after shooting three jurors in his trial for multiple counts of first-degree homicide. “Finding himself outnumbered by a mob of 20 jurors, Mr. Rittenhouse was forced to make the split-second decision to save … Read more

Study Shows Tapping Cheek With Pointer Finger Still Number One Way To Get A Little Kiss

HOUSTON—According to a new study published Wednesday in the journal Evolution And Human Behavior, the act of tapping one’s cheek with the pointer finger remains the number one way to get a little kiss. “Our team found that turning the head, exposing a cheek, and repeatedly giving a small tap allowed subjects to successfully procure a … Read more

Astros Start Nolan Ryan In Game 6 On 10,268 Days’ Rest

HOUSTON—With their fading World Series series hopes hinging on a strong pitching performance against the Atlanta Braves, the Houston Astros announced Tuesday that they would be starting Nolan Ryan in Game 6 on 10,268 days’ rest. “We’re trying to be really careful not to overwork our pitchers to keep them fresh with the series on … Read more

Senator Claims ​​Men Watching Porn, Playing Video Games Because Their Masculinity Criticized

Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley (R) claimed in a recent speech that the effort to combat toxic masculinity in the U.S. has unfairly forced men to withdraw from society, consuming more pornography and playing more video games. What do you think? “A real man can do those things and still make time to be a misogynist … Read more

Passengers Reminded To Wait Until Seat Belt Sign Turned Off To Roundhouse Kick Flight Attendants

TULSA, OK—Thanked in advance for their patience and consideration, passengers on an American Airlines plane to Omaha were courteously reminded to wait until the fasten seat belt sign was turned off before roundhouse kicking flight attendants, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We kindly request that you refrain from smashing our cabin crew in the face with a … Read more