Real Housewives recap: Sex confessions and insincere apologies

One X-rated dinner party confession leaves the other Real Housewives stunned in this week’s episode. Read our full recap.

Well, there’s been some drama since last week’s recap.

Last Sunday’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne ended with an ugly fight between Janet and Kyla at dinner in Cairns – and the feud spilled over online in the days since the episode aired, with Kyla claiming other explosive fights with Janet were too confronting to be broadcast.

As the cast do battle on Instagram, we dive into episode five, which climaxes (sorry) with a sex confession and a very insincere apology. But before that it’s back to Cairns, where several parties are licking their wounds after the previous night’s fight.

Simone, Janet and Gamble decide to escape the drama with a round of golf, and Gamble’s golfing skills are certainly … unique:

After playing approximately eight terrible minutes of golf, they decide it’s time for a drink and scarper for a boozy lunch with a picturesque poolside backdrop – which it must be said, looks weirdly green-screened in:

The trio compare notes on last night’s explosive dinner – and at least one of them really regrets her behaviour.

“I’d probably had a bit to drink … I could have handled it more delicately,” says Janet, who let’s not forget called Kyla a “lying piece of s**t” until she fled into the night.

She vows to apologise to Kyla – “not for the content, but for the delivery” of what she said. So basically: “I’m sorry I called you a lying piece of s**t in that tone?”

The next day, the ladies unite for one final group activity in Cairns – a catamaran trip out to a private island.

As the boat sets sail, Simone once again utters something that makes me think she’s entirely too sensible for this show. “You do know it’s 10:30 in the morning?” she asks nervously as she’s poured a big glass of champagne. Simone, this is Real Housewives: It’s midday somewhere!

The boat ride is a shambles. They instantly hit rough seas, bouncing around the deck. Janet spends much of the trip accidentally locked in the toilet. And Kyla and Simone sidle up to the captain and after some ill-advised nautical flirting – “Mmm … I like the size of your wheel,” god help us – convince him to hand over control of the vessel.

Finally, they all safely arrive on a remote island with no easy means of escape – which is obviously the perfect time for Janet and Kyla to confront each other about last night’s fight.

Walking to an isolated part of the beach, Kyla says she’d just like a chance to defend herself against all of Janet’s accusations. Janet says thanks but no thanks: “I’m never going to believe it, Kyla.”

It doesn’t seem an outrageous request – if you’re labelling someone a “pathological liar” on national television, surely you could hear what they have to say in return – but as Kyla starts to cry, Janet decides she’s had enough.

“The tears looked fake. Kyla, stop pulling the crying act – don’t do this to try and bury me,” she tells her.

After a brief walk-off to calm down, Janet returns to Kyla and offers a suggestion – can’t they just move forward as friends, just agreeing to disagree on this one tiny issue (the issue being whether or not Kyla is a compulsive liar)?

To me that seems like a dealbreaker, but Kyla agrees, and they return to the group arm in arm. Best friends 4evA!

Finally this episode, back home in Melbourne, the girls surprise perpetual overachiever Simone with a dinner to celebrate the fact she’s finished her MBA.

This is the first group outing since Janet insisted Kyla’s claims to have visited France 18 times are all lies – so naturally, Kyla rocks up wearing a beret:

The group present Simone with a graduation gift: a cake moulded to look like a Chanel handbag. Simone looks absolutely stunning, so we’ll forgive the absolute dad jokery of her response: “I have a lot of bags, but this one takes the cake.”

Sitting down to dinner, Jackie opens up about the pros and cons of pregnancy: She’s sore, she’s emotional, but she is eternally up for it. Yes, Newcastle’s Horniest Couple Jackie and Ben Gillies are at it hammer and tong, night and day.

“I don’t know what’s going on! I’m already very, VERY active,” Jackie says of her sex life, “but now I could probably go five times a day.”

“Your babies may end up with head injuries,” says respected gynaecologist Gamble, with an air of genuine concern.

The conversation then turns to the many bust-ups in Cairns – one of which was caused by Anjali, who it’s suggested might like to give Simone an apology for stirring up the drama between her and Cherry.

Anjali offers a deeply sarcastic, insincere apology, declaring she “lies prostrate on the ground in front of Simone,” then laughs in her face.

“That wasn’t very nice,” says Simone, perhaps wondering why Anjali is talking about her prostate over dinner.

Anjali says she had been told that Simone was still upset with her – “but I refused to believe it, because there’s no way anybody can be that sad.” Dig UP, Anjali!

Anjali tells Simone the whole issue is “shallow” and “banal” – which rankles everyone at the table, who accuse Anjali of dismissing Simone’s feelings. But Anjali says that apologising would only “reward Simone’s shallowness.”

The others insist she really should say sorry, so she finally does offer a very quick apology – to Cherry, ignoring Simone and leaving her speechless.

Janet’s verdict on the dinner suggests she may have a new target in her sights after semi-patching things up with Kyla: “I think that Anjali is a bloody……. dog.”

The Real Housewives of Melbourne airs 8:30pm Sundays on Foxtel’s Arena channel. In the meantime chat all things #RHOMelbourne with recapper and bloody dog Nick Bond on Twitter.

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